Good Deeds...

After 30 years together...I know myself pretty well. And this I know, I am a bit selfish. I keep thinking when i have a husband and my 10 kids (six of my own womb and 4 of others' wombs, yes i want to adopt) I will no longer be selfish because I will be caring about others too much, i will be too busy to be selfish. Still I am not sure if I am selfish because I think that no one else is looking out for me, so I gotta put myself first (a very feminist/independent woman move). And yet, there is a constant battle between embracing the "putting the comforts/wants/needs of Jodi first" mentality and the more Christian, "putting the comforts/wants/needs of others first" mentality. Anyways here of some high lights from the battle front.

1. I was subbing at a High School. It was 4th hour. A girl complemented me on my gold head band. And asked me where I got it from. With out a moments hesitation I asked her if she wanted it. Her eyes lit up and she said, "absolutely", explaining it was the missing piece to her prom night ensemble. Then she asked me if I had lice (you can just never be too careful when the sub is handing out head bands). You might think, "good job jodi", but what you didn't know is I got that headband for the high price of 5/1.00 dollar and it had been giving me a head ache all day. Still win for the "other's first" side.

2. At Chili's we all help running food for our fellow servers. They might bring a tray of goodness out to my table, and a little bit later they will be busy and I will take a tray of food out to their table. Now that is all fine and good. But what I hate is when it's not your people (aka the people who will be tipping you) and they got requests for example. "Hey, we need our drinks refilled, 3 sides of ranch, 2 sides of rancho bar-b-que sauce and more chips and salsa". It's a pain in the ace. I will help these people and yet my heart is murmurring the whole time. I develop a deep anger towards all those who are not in my section who want more Straw-berry lemonades. In fact once anyone needs their 6th refill of diet coke, they are officially "the worst person to walk this planet". And then my mind starts reeling and thinks things like this, "diet coke is bad for you, worse than regular coke, everyone knows that, who do you think you are, ordering so many diet cokes, they are just going to destroy your body, and look at you baby boomer, you are going to take all our monies for your social security checks, and my monies are gonna have to pay for your medications because your jacking up your body on diet coke. (then the name calling in my mind begins, I will keep it PG) Crazy Hag, look at you CHEAP ACE, you only tipped me 2 dollars and i got you nine diet cokes and 3 sides of Ranch................... BURN IN HELL. I obviously got problems, because sometimes good deeds, if done too much lead to selfish anger. This is a win for Selfishness.

3. I want to be happy for other people's success. And sometimes I am so overjoyed for other's good fortunes. But sometimes in life, I feel the same way I do at the Fort McDowell Casino Bingo Room, pissed off when I don't win. I put the same amount of work in as the other bingo players. I stamped my dauber, I was attentive, I listened, I was quiet during the games to not interrupt others. I did exactly what every one else was doing, and even beyond that, my heart was in it. So why don't I ever win at Bingo. Is it because I want to win too bad. Is it because I don't believe I will win and I am experiencing a Bingo Self-full-filling Prophecy? I do not know why I do what I am supposed to do, and yet the odds never tip in my favor, the Gods of Luck do not shine down upon me in Casino Halls. I remember for my 25th birthday I went to play Bingo with all my palls. Wouldn't you know it, Joanne hit the jackpot (well she won 350 bones) on my birthday. I couldn't be happy for her. I smiled, but it was fake. I wanted to win. Everyone else was congradulating Joanne. Were they really happy for her? Really? Was I the only one who could not be happy for a friends good fortune? I don't know. Selfishness wins again.

After those three examples, I think I need to work more on Christian love. Well at least counting my blessings, and serving others. I'll let you know how it goes.