Thursday, November 24, 2011

I'm in a funk. Really. Being back in AZ has been good in some ways, but very very lonely in others. It has something to do with returning to your hometown, and feeling like I am going backwards. And something else to do with leaving all my friends, and a community I love. Strange but true for me. Additionally, I think it comes down to a severe loss of motivation (this is the root, I have a lack of motivation to work out, be social, even get ready for the day). Really. I know everyone has problems. I know this. I get this. My logical brain has developed by leaps and bounds. And yet, this Thanksgiving season, I have a hard time giving thanks. I see what others have and what I don't. That isn't just a husband and family. Although that is part of it. It is a job. It is a home of my own. It is confidence that it will all work out. It is looking back and not trading your choices for anything (I wish I could have a do-over sometimes). And then I think...what if one thing was taken away. For example, what if all my skin got burned, so I looked like that guy who won dancing with the stars, with scars. What if a hand got chopped off. What if I lost my sight. What if I had a cold sore 100 percent of the time. Now that would be horrible. What if I didn't have my mind anymore. What if I lost a sibling.

When I start thinking like this, I realize I have things to be Thankful for. Lot's of things. Things I take for granted, because all I can see most of the time is what I don't have. That is just sad because I have so much.

Monday, November 14, 2011

my best, truest, most painful fb status update...had to share here.

Today when I was subbing, I was wearing my signature dress, that i wear with jeans so it's sort of a shirt (with matching headband of course) but because it was PE I was rocking running shoes. After the end of first hour a girl said, "you know that show with the Duggars, and the lady is on her 19+ kid" I said "yeah", she said, "you look like that lady". No more signature shirt dress with matching headband and running shoes for me.