I'm in a funk. Really. Being back in AZ has been good in some ways, but very very lonely in others. It has something to do with returning to your hometown, and feeling like I am going backwards. And something else to do with leaving all my friends, and a community I love. Strange but true for me. Additionally, I think it comes down to a severe loss of motivation (this is the root, I have a lack of motivation to work out, be social, even get ready for the day). Really. I know everyone has problems. I know this. I get this. My logical brain has developed by leaps and bounds. And yet, this Thanksgiving season, I have a hard time giving thanks. I see what others have and what I don't. That isn't just a husband and family. Although that is part of it. It is a job. It is a home of my own. It is confidence that it will all work out. It is looking back and not trading your choices for anything (I wish I could have a do-over sometimes). And then I think...what if one thing was taken away. For example, what if all my skin got burned, so I looked like that guy who won dancing with the stars, with scars. What if a hand got chopped off. What if I lost my sight. What if I had a cold sore 100 percent of the time. Now that would be horrible. What if I didn't have my mind anymore. What if I lost a sibling.

When I start thinking like this, I realize I have things to be Thankful for. Lot's of things. Things I take for granted, because all I can see most of the time is what I don't have. That is just sad because I have so much.

my best, truest, most painful fb status update...had to share here.

Today when I was subbing, I was wearing my signature dress, that i wear with jeans so it's sort of a shirt (with matching headband of course) but because it was PE I was rocking running shoes. After the end of first hour a girl said, "you know that show with the Duggars, and the lady is on her 19+ kid" I said "yeah", she said, "you look like that lady". No more signature shirt dress with matching headband and running shoes for me.

This is my new profile write up for LDS Planet. I only paid for a month.

Your Greeting is 100% complete
A little about me...
I have emailed about 10 men that I find attractive. I have sent flirts to about 15...in the last week. I've only paid for a month. And yet, even though these men are more or less just a little above average, rarely are any interested in me, or return my emails. Then I get smiles and emails, from men who look too old, have too many kids, or just seem not the right match for me. And then I don't email them back or accept the chat requests. Isn't that the truth of why we are all here. We think we are too attractive/good/established/much of a catch for the one's who want us.... and yet can't get the ones we think are closer to our "league" to give us the time of day. I have only found this problem in "mormon" dating. What a mess we are, getting older, a bit annoyed at all the wasted years having the exact same experiences with different people and never really finding someone great. I did the Planet thing when I was in my twenties, and i got twenty something men (I only like younger men, maybe a backlash for all the men who only like younger women...and the cycle repeats itself). Now they are all much older, which is fine that they think I am worth the time...I am flattered. Some of you must feel the same.
How I feel about the Church...
You get frustrated because nothing changes, and it's same old on "The planet" and cancel your subscriptions. But then there are some cute people with interesting profiles, who have been looking at your profile multiple times. So you give in...pay your money with the extra 3 dollar service fee (what is that) and maybe even think about paying the 5 dollar highlight your profile charge. And then those pop ups, so I can see who received my message. As if my online dating self esteem can take confirmed, bonafied evidence that I ain't getting a return email, from the cutie from Oregon. Guess what if you are over 30 and still in Provo...stop it.

Born and raised, being single in the church for all these years has been fun. Sort of feel like i missed the boat by putting some thought into who I wanted to spend eternity with (that seemed like a really long time, so I was going to make a good choice) and then everyone got married to someone they knew for a week. Now all my ex boyfriends have like 3 kids, I guess I could wait for their divorces but I don't want to raise someone elses kids (give me a few more years I am sure I will be foaming at the mouth for that honor).

Had a faith crisis, but I attend every week.
What I do for fun...
i shop for cute clothes, makeup and pushup bras to try and make me more attractive to the opposite sex...JK, I bike, run and am learning guitar. I watch conspiracy docs and food docs. I am trying to start up some side schemes to get out of debt quicker (recent law grad.) and I babysit my nieces sometimes. OH and I garden, grow wheat grass and make veggie shakes...regular foodie. I get the feeling everything I do, think, and say makes me less appealing to men, specifically the 30+ Mormon man. But we mormon's believe in miracles, so here's to all my "God send someone to marry me prayers."

Should I be worried yet?

Aimee & Pete
Aimee & Ray
Ally & Will
Amber & Thad
Amy & Tim
Angie & Brett
Annie & Drew
Annie & Randon
Auburn & Dave
Audrey & Hondo
Ben & Kelly
Cami & Devin
Caralee & Spencer
Cheryl & Cliff
Cheryse & Scott
Christina & Waylon
Cody & Keith
Cody & Ted
Courtney & Nathan
Dan & Courtney
Dave & Briste
Diane & Dennis
Diane & Jim
Dicy & Joey
Drew & Sara
Emily & Brandon
Evan & Marisol
Gwen & Pace
Jamie & Brad
Jamie & Johnny
Janie & Tory
Jason & Jessie
Jay & Betsy
Jim & Kim
Jodi
Kami & Tyler
Ken & Nicole
Kristina & Joel
Linz & Ben
Marisa & Paul
Matt & Jana
Mel & Brian
Melanie & Ryan
Melanie & Stewart
Mike & Emily
Nancy & Rick
Sarah & Matt
Sheli & Chris
Sheri & Norm
Spencer & Jeanine
Stacey & LeGrand
Steve & Tiffany
The Dodds Family
Todd & Natalie
Tom & Cheryl

This is a blog roll from my friend Debbie Vance's Blog. Most of them are like this. In case you don't see what I see, look again. I miss law school. I miss having a purpose. I miss the being in my own little safety bubble. I miss being surrounded by tons of friends who all lived within a few miles of each other. I miss the security of a student loan check. And I miss not having to be reminded of what I don't have (hint a name next to my name). But can I really hide from the plus one. Recently I found myself alone on Grandpa Harry's Funeral program, where is stated the names of all the grandkids, and then next to the person's name, was their spouses name...for example Karrie (Jeremy) Platt, Rita (Taylor) Wilstead. That made me sad for a moment. But the thing is I am usually alright, more than alright with how this has all played out, life I mean. When I think of all the men I have loved, that didn't love me back...I usually think, "thank heavens".

Lately I have spent a lot of time over at Sumo and Rita's house. Sumo has recently developed or at least recently shared an opinion he has with me. He says, "but Jodi, let's be honest, you never really have wanted to get married, and you still don't".

Well that got me thinking. I have decided to lay out all my fears and reasons for why I think I don't want to get married. In law school when there is a theory that could possibly work, that you wouldn't get laughed out of court for saying, it is called "colorable" so here are my "colorable" reasons why I don't want to get married. This might be interesting.

1. I am afraid of marrying the wrong man and live in a state of regret, or lock myslef into something I can't get out of. (I can't stress how much I believe this)

2. I am afraid the man will realize he married the wrong woman, and feel trapped and be miserable. (I get a glimpse of this horror when a boyfriend stays on because he knows how much I want it to work, while he wants out....I hate to imagine someone feeling obligated to stay, by a contract, or by being sealed when they want out).

3. I have a ton of debt now, and I feel like it is my responsibility to get out of it, all those church talks on how you don't want to bring debt to a marriage must have seeped in...but on the flip I recognize that a man would freely marry a woman with his massive amounts of debt from school. So maybe I should rethink my gender bias.

4. I have never met anyone who wanted to marry me (after the first month anyway, they all love me at first) and it is extremely difficult for me to imagine that. Or in other words maybe there is some self full-filling prophecies happening around here.

5. I sort of think the fun stops with marriage, even though I logically know this isn't true, the excitement of "anything can happen, at anytime" (although it usually doesn't) is something I am very used to.

6. I'm afraid that when I change, he won't change with me, and that I will be stuck being the woman he wants me to be...but i don't want to be her anymore. I guess this comes from how much my ideas and views have changed in the last 10 years, and I am grateful a man wasn't there stunting my growth.

7. Maybe I have taken the "if you don't seek after something it will come to you" advice to heart. I never wanted to appear too desperate, too needy, too focused on finding a mate...I don't know if I failed or succeeded. I might look like the most hopeless sap, who knows. Maybe the fact that I didn't kiss till I was 19 screwed up the whole thing, and sent me on "late bloomer path" forever.

Everytime I wrote down something else, it was a hybrid of number one, afraid of marrying the wrong man, falling out of love with him, meeting someone better down the road, etc.

I guess I just gotta harness the risk taker in me, and apply it to marriage. Maybe I just need to fall in love with someone who would actually be a good mate (another trick i do is always go after the long shots (the young, the wild, the too hard to get, or too beautiful)...that way I am safe from having it work out).

I don't know. Self-analyzing is usually not very effective, but hopefully I can start to want the thing I am supposed to want. Maybe I just got sick of thinking about it, I mean I thought I wanted it, I spent years thinking about it, and being told it is the only way to happiness and that it was my destiny, so I tried to find mates in the singles scenes, on the internet, at work, at school, etc. I have devoted so much time, energy and hope to this cause of finding a mate, that I think I just burned out. Maybe I didn't really want it, I am not sure now...But when I look at the blog roll, or at everyone in families at church, or when I am djing a wedding for kids that are well over 10 years yonger than me...it just feels like I am missing out, and the fears and the reasons need to be tempered with the reality of being alone, which might be worse.

Goodbye FB

My best friend in lawschool just chewed me out for all things related to Facebook (FB). She said I was posting too much, spending too much time on there, posting weird links and music, but mostly was making a mockery of the process of studying for the bar.

In my defense...I study a lot, and don't go out too much, and when I take a break instead of calling someone I get on FB for a few minutes. Now these breaks happen probably 15-20 times a day, but who is aggregating (a fancy law word for counting). Anyways, couple my hankering for my Idaho friends, my constant stimulated state as I drink my Yerba Mate (which makes me feel a little silly/lovey and social= posting a lot of crap on FB and commenting on other people's crap) and my love for FB in general... I guess my fb presence was getting a bit intense.

Now, what pissed her off the most i think...is my new positive take on bar study. One of the professors in the Prep Course (BARBRI = $3500 = giving me tips on how to pass the bar, daily hw assignments and lectures) said that there are two things in life our brain recognizes and treats differently, things we get to do and things we have to do, and that if we think of Bar prep. as a privilege, and something that will bless our lives and the lives of others...it will greatly enhance the experience for us, and possibly help in passing the dang thing. This "pep talk" was pivotal for me to up the intensity of my studying. Anyways so on FB I would comment, "I love learning about the Tort of Battery, such a privilege, especially the AZ distinctions of the law"...I would post that on another law students wall, to let them know we are all in this crazy state together. Anyways, she thought I was mocking the seriousness of the Professional Right of Passage which is the bar exam.

Also, I think people were not taking my "hey i gotta study so we can't hang out" excuses seriously...because they would see me on FB 15-20x a day. I have to be a woman who can be trusted...by all her FB friends.

Anyways, I guess what had to be done, and my newly trained logical mind aptly concluded, twas time to cut the chord with my fb account for the next six weeks. It was sucking up my down time (which should be used to exercise and make more veggie shakes with food from the organic compound (my parents yard)and I was being misinterpreted on FB at least by one stressed out law student, what I found was humorous and ironic in ways (BAR prep. fun and interesting--I sort of do think it is) she found to be obnoxious and mocking.



So as you all, (maybe 5 readers) are my witness. I Jodiane Goodman, solemnly promise to not log onto my deactivated FB account for 6 weeks and one day... July 27, if I do I have to make everyone of you a special veggie shake with goodness from the organic compound and I will not go to Last Chance till I am 34 (that is Sept. 27 2011). As you can tell I am super serious about this self-imposed FB hiatus.


PS....I probably shouldn't turn all my energies to blogging either, cause that is sort of the same thing, ie time waste, distraction, keeps me from studying...so don't expect too many more posts. Just needed to tell you all about this HUGE, LIFE CHANGING decision to cut out FB for 6 weeks. I need your support and prayers.

So poor.

I owe a lot of money to a lot of people. I hate being poor, in debt and currently helpless to remedy the situation as I am studying for the bar. I wouldn't change the decision to go to law school. I loved it. I miss it. I can't believe how lucky I am that I got to live my dreams. I don't even want babies right now. Not till I am in my late 30's. Not sure if I keep pushing it back because I have to adjust to the reality of the situation or if it's what I really want. I think it's what I really want. Oh but I adore being an aunt, to the three loveliest ladies, and one handsome little gentleman. How did I get so lucky. I am surrounded by the best people in the world. I love living on the "organic compound". We have apple trees, fresh grapes off the vine, cumquats, a garden with squash, tomatoes, cucumbers and peppers. And i grow sprouts and am starting wheat grass trays. I drink a veggie shake every day. I love it. I think I am interesting and hilarious and smart. Probably the three most important traits a person could have, in my humble opinion. And I think I am beautiful. Am I allowed to think these things. To really finally like myself, sometimes I can't even handle it. After all the years of self-doubt (oh it's still here, just way different) and heaven help us eating disorders and lame dudes (yeah, they are still here too, i just wish there were either more of them, or better quality, I can't decide). I am so happy when I work hard, that is the secret of life I know it. Why am I ever lazy. I finally know what makes me happy, working my ass off. That applies to school, djing, working out, and hopefully soon being a lawyer. And I have the best sister in the world, and she loves me just the way I am. That's lucky. Right now what I want for my dad and mom is for them to be 100 percent raw foodists. And it goes with out saying I want to be the greenest, most organic, locally grown, wild raw foodie in the WEST!! Oh yeah, I want to run really fast, and have fresher breath, and not snore. So here are my thoughts, I know they are random and not organized. But life is sweet, I sort of get that right now.

Just like this picture.

Yeah, those are my aunts...and my mom. She is the shady one who isn't looking at the camera.

SELL OUT!!!!

Long ago.... my friend Jamie Caldwell and I spoke about being the "mother hen" to all our friends. Jamie said she felt like she was meant to be the last of her friends to get married. Well I think Mrs. Jamie Caldwell Shelton has been married for four years or so. And obviously she was not the ultimate mother hen.

Everyone got married. Everyone. The Leland Gang (Trisha, Michelle, Holly, Stacy, Melanie, Jenny, Lindsay,) who were all Lehi 5th Ward girls, were all married by the time I went into the MTC. At 21 I was the oldest of the crew. Then my friends from Ricks Collge (Nikki, Val, Starr, Cameo, Sara, Kristy, Kristal, Cousin Brian, Steve, Jared...even Monique got married, and Mary and Lisa...and finally AK my best friend got married). Then everyone from singles ward got married, every "Shirt Girl" got married, every boy I had ever dated got married, some got divorced and some got remarried...but they all got their day. Every cousin older than me and most cousins younger than me were wed. Kids I used to baby sit got married, and their kids should be getting married soon. Even my little brother and little sister got married. Everyone.

Everyone except my dear friend Jen Williams. My friendship with Jen started long ago... before we were born. Our moms were daughters of university profs. and lived in Iran at the same time. Then Jen and I were Cross Country runners at Mountain View. Then we attended Ricks, The MTC, ASU, University 3rd Ward, all at the same time. We weren't super close untill after our missions.

Jen is 4 months older than me, and out of everyone in the inner circle of this lonely girl's life... Jen is the lone hold out. She is the only one who understands me, and my plight. She is the one I can count on for pep talks, the one I can give advice to...about all the lessons and defense mechanisms, of still searching for 'The ONE' in our mid 30s. She is somebody I can share hilarious stories with, that only someone in "our plight" can understand. We have gone on ward camp-outs, have attended institute dances, have gone to new years parties (that we were far too old to be at), we have dated the same men--5 years apart, We checked each other for information if when we have met a "new" dude, that hopefully the other had inside information about. I thought this "single alliance" would never end. And although I knew someday it would...I have relished in having a single friend who has known me since we were 16, and has known me well since we were 23.

Alas, she got engaged two days ago. I'm nervous. I am nervous for her leaving the single scene; It's all she has ever known. And as she embarks on this very important adventure, I hope the 18 years she has been able to date has prepared her for this. Also, I am nervous for me. As the only one left still single...after making countless new groups of friends, I just don't know how I feel about being the ULTIMATE mother hen. I have taken the position of being the lone holdout, ensuring that all those I love would not have to be out here in single land alone. I guess I always knew this was my calling. I was just sort of hoping Jen would be the mother hen. shoot. She totally wins.

6 weeks.

I graduate from Law School in six weeks. I am EXCITED! It has been a long three years, that has flown by. I love my Moscow, Idaho. I love University of Idaho. I love the inland Northwest. I am going to miss everyone so much, and at the same time I am happy to never see most of these people ever again. So much to do to get ready for the end of this final semester.

I have to finish my upper division writing paper on Genetically Modified Foods and International Treaties.

I need to do about 20 more hours in the Victims Right's Clinic.

I have to do a huge research assignment called a pathfinder. Basically I have to use as many resources in the law library and online data bases and then document my findings.

I must complete a bunch of assignments for Law Practice Management (this is my goal for tomorrow).

I need to learn and read much more for my Copyrights and Property Security classes...

And if there is anytime left over, I must work out (to look good for when i come home), hang out with all my friends and start bar preparation. The bar exam prep. time will probably be the most intense, handworking time of my life and it will go from May 15-July 26.

So I have 6 weeks left in Moscow. I am going to be a busy, social, hardworking, muscle building gal.

A trip to New York. No PIctures.

In law school there are 2 things that dazzle a resume. 1. being on law review and 2. being on a moot court team. Law Review entails editing 4-8 hours a week and writing a huge paper that may or may not be published. Moot Court entails getting a fake case that has made it up to the level of appeal of the Supreme Court and writing a brief explaining why the side you were assigned (either petitioner or appellate) is right and then going to orally argue your side.

I didn't do law review because at the time of trying out aka writing on, I was doing a one week course in mediation. So when the opportunity to be on a Moot Court team I decided to do it. The team was Bankruptcy. I am really into it actually, I mean into the subject of Bankruptcy. Anyways, worked on a brief all through January. The brief was great substantively, but there were a few mistakes with the citations, and overall editing.

Worked all February and part of March on the oral advocacy stuff. This entailed memorizing certain case names and holdings, practicing in front of professors and the other team (U of I sent two teams). Practicing meant that the profs. or whoever would ask difficult questions and I would do my best to answer clearly and concisely.

The Bankruptcy competition was in New York, Queens actually. Each team participates in three preliminary rounds, and then only 16 teams of the 49 advance. The brief is worth 40 percent, and the argument is worth 60 percent. Well we didn't advance. Neither did our other team. The first round my partner "crapped the bed" (his words not mine). The 2nd round I had an 18 second pause, and didn't come back strong after the pause. The third round we had a "cold bench" which means the judges didn't ask many questions. I got some strange critiques. For example, one judge said I smiled too much. The other judges said I got too nervous although they could tell i knew the material.

To make an already long story, longer. I am not the best at the theatrics of a successful moot court oral argument. I screwed up. But man am I glad it's over. I was even a little glad when my partner screwed up...knowing that then the blame wouldn't be on me. So thats that.

But New York was awesome. The food, the smells of the subway, the sore feet from walking around so much in my high boots (I forgot to pack walking shoes). And you know what...I missed Moscow when I was in New York. Crazy but true.

HAPPY NEW YEARS

Last night was interesting. I thought I would just kick it with my family but towards late afternoon I started hankering to go out...which meant call my only single friend in AZ Jen Williams.

Jen and I have gone through a lot together. Here are the parallels:
1. We both went to Mt. View HS and ran CC
2. We both went to Ricks College
3. We were in the MTC at the same time
4. We lived in the same condos by ASU and attended the same singles ward
5. We both kissed Ken Checketts
6. We are both 33 and Single and Mormon
7. She was a counselor at Gateway Pointe a school in Higley and the year before I was a teacher there.
8 But most interesting is that our moms both lived in Iran for 3 years in their teens at the same time because their dads(our grandpas) were college professors there.

We went to Cheesecake Factory and had a group of more than 20 people, which meant a long wait. I am rawsome again (only eating raw uncooked food) so once we finally got seated (an hour and a half later) I just drank water. I sat next to my friends Kenny and Karla who are awesome and a 6'10 man named Chris and we basically talked the whole dinner about my favorite things, ie raw food, government conspiracies, being single, and student loan debt. He was sort of attractive.

Next we went to Gameworks, but only Jen, a girl named Sara and I, everyone else went out somewhere else. At Gameworks(which had been rented out by the Mormon Church for the single adults) I was probably 10-12 years older than the average age of everyone there...but it was still fun to see a few people i knew and see all kids having good wholesome fun.

Next off to Kenny's house for the countdown where we watched MTV, played with fireworks and I didn't get kissed. I did eat an old banana and orange since I hadn't eaten much at dinner except some leftover spinach leaves and a few bean sprouts.

Then we went to a waffle party, I made some waffles for friends (I didn't eat them), talked to a man I had gone on a date with 10 months ago, ate some raw pecans, and then we left.

Point is, not that fun. But at least I got out there and didn't hermit myself up and stayed RAW!!!!

Happy New Years.