Monday, August 15, 2011

Should I be worried yet?

Aimee & Pete
Aimee & Ray
Ally & Will
Amber & Thad
Amy & Tim
Angie & Brett
Annie & Drew
Annie & Randon
Auburn & Dave
Audrey & Hondo
Ben & Kelly
Cami & Devin
Caralee & Spencer
Cheryl & Cliff
Cheryse & Scott
Christina & Waylon
Cody & Keith
Cody & Ted
Courtney & Nathan
Dan & Courtney
Dave & Briste
Diane & Dennis
Diane & Jim
Dicy & Joey
Drew & Sara
Emily & Brandon
Evan & Marisol
Gwen & Pace
Jamie & Brad
Jamie & Johnny
Janie & Tory
Jason & Jessie
Jay & Betsy
Jim & Kim
Kami & Tyler
Ken & Nicole
Kristina & Joel
Linz & Ben
Marisa & Paul
Matt & Jana
Mel & Brian
Melanie & Ryan
Melanie & Stewart
Mike & Emily
Nancy & Rick
Sarah & Matt
Sheli & Chris
Sheri & Norm
Spencer & Jeanine
Stacey & LeGrand
Steve & Tiffany
The Dodds Family
Todd & Natalie
Tom & Cheryl

This is a blog roll from my friend Debbie Vance's Blog. Most of them are like this. In case you don't see what I see, look again. I miss law school. I miss having a purpose. I miss the being in my own little safety bubble. I miss being surrounded by tons of friends who all lived within a few miles of each other. I miss the security of a student loan check. And I miss not having to be reminded of what I don't have (hint a name next to my name). But can I really hide from the plus one. Recently I found myself alone on Grandpa Harry's Funeral program, where is stated the names of all the grandkids, and then next to the person's name, was their spouses name...for example Karrie (Jeremy) Platt, Rita (Taylor) Wilstead. That made me sad for a moment. But the thing is I am usually alright, more than alright with how this has all played out, life I mean. When I think of all the men I have loved, that didn't love me back...I usually think, "thank heavens".

Lately I have spent a lot of time over at Sumo and Rita's house. Sumo has recently developed or at least recently shared an opinion he has with me. He says, "but Jodi, let's be honest, you never really have wanted to get married, and you still don't".

Well that got me thinking. I have decided to lay out all my fears and reasons for why I think I don't want to get married. In law school when there is a theory that could possibly work, that you wouldn't get laughed out of court for saying, it is called "colorable" so here are my "colorable" reasons why I don't want to get married. This might be interesting.

1. I am afraid of marrying the wrong man and live in a state of regret, or lock myslef into something I can't get out of. (I can't stress how much I believe this)

2. I am afraid the man will realize he married the wrong woman, and feel trapped and be miserable. (I get a glimpse of this horror when a boyfriend stays on because he knows how much I want it to work, while he wants out....I hate to imagine someone feeling obligated to stay, by a contract, or by being sealed when they want out).

3. I have a ton of debt now, and I feel like it is my responsibility to get out of it, all those church talks on how you don't want to bring debt to a marriage must have seeped in...but on the flip I recognize that a man would freely marry a woman with his massive amounts of debt from school. So maybe I should rethink my gender bias.

4. I have never met anyone who wanted to marry me (after the first month anyway, they all love me at first) and it is extremely difficult for me to imagine that. Or in other words maybe there is some self full-filling prophecies happening around here.

5. I sort of think the fun stops with marriage, even though I logically know this isn't true, the excitement of "anything can happen, at anytime" (although it usually doesn't) is something I am very used to.

6. I'm afraid that when I change, he won't change with me, and that I will be stuck being the woman he wants me to be...but i don't want to be her anymore. I guess this comes from how much my ideas and views have changed in the last 10 years, and I am grateful a man wasn't there stunting my growth.

7. Maybe I have taken the "if you don't seek after something it will come to you" advice to heart. I never wanted to appear too desperate, too needy, too focused on finding a mate...I don't know if I failed or succeeded. I might look like the most hopeless sap, who knows. Maybe the fact that I didn't kiss till I was 19 screwed up the whole thing, and sent me on "late bloomer path" forever.

Everytime I wrote down something else, it was a hybrid of number one, afraid of marrying the wrong man, falling out of love with him, meeting someone better down the road, etc.

I guess I just gotta harness the risk taker in me, and apply it to marriage. Maybe I just need to fall in love with someone who would actually be a good mate (another trick i do is always go after the long shots (the young, the wild, the too hard to get, or too beautiful)...that way I am safe from having it work out).

I don't know. Self-analyzing is usually not very effective, but hopefully I can start to want the thing I am supposed to want. Maybe I just got sick of thinking about it, I mean I thought I wanted it, I spent years thinking about it, and being told it is the only way to happiness and that it was my destiny, so I tried to find mates in the singles scenes, on the internet, at work, at school, etc. I have devoted so much time, energy and hope to this cause of finding a mate, that I think I just burned out. Maybe I didn't really want it, I am not sure now...But when I look at the blog roll, or at everyone in families at church, or when I am djing a wedding for kids that are well over 10 years yonger than just feels like I am missing out, and the fears and the reasons need to be tempered with the reality of being alone, which might be worse.


Melissa said...

Very deep Jodz, all the layers of the onion were being pulled back.
Thanks for sharing.
I have no idea what the answer is.

theroyalscribe said...

Wow, I feel this way all the time; particularly about the blog roll type stuff. This spoke to my soul! It's nice to know that I'm not alone in thinking those things!

Nancy Pitney said...

I'm with Melissa--I have no idea what the answer is, but being married, let me give you some advice (Ha! Like you've never heard that before!). I have changed a ton in my views over the last 10 years and I did that married. I don't think I'm the person my husband thought I would be, but I'm still married. I think that if the right guy comes along you won't be able to talk yourself out of it, it'll just happen. But maybe that's just because that's how it happened to me--not to say that it's that way for everyone. I'm proud of you for loving yourself where ever you are. And just so you know, even after people get married they can still look at everyone else and think, "they've got something I don't", a.k.a. kids, a big house, an awesome body, whatever. I think it's a woman thing and that never goes away. So now that the bar is over, when are we getting together?! :)

Kelli Brown said...

Jodi - When we left RS last night and I climbed into my car, my honest to heaven first thought was that you are one of my favorite people. Everytime we get together and have the opportunity to chat, I realize more how much I like you. And I don't mean that in the sense that I have to like you cause we're related. I mean that I really like you. You make me laugh - hard - and I love that. I love that you are into rawness. I love that you have a strong mind, an independent will, and are an athlete to boot. I love that you seek after the things that are important to you and your honesty is so refreshing. Thanks, of course, for being my cousin, by more importantly, thanks for being someone I love to be with.

On the marriage is my 15-year anniversary, and I would be lying if I said anything other than I have LOVED being married...and still do. I read through your colorable list and can absolutely understand those fears. But, personally, I think the risk is so worth it. If you meet someone worth the wait, dive in without fear. I have grown and changed so much during our marriage - and so has Ryan. I am positive that I am not the woman I was at 24 when we tied the knot, and I am glad about that.

I love you to pieces, Jodi, and think you rock!

Jaime S. said...

all valid fears/concerns, and some might come true for a moment or for a lifetime. it's all up to your choices really. For example, you will not meet someone you like better after marriage unless you are actively looking. so just don't look. there is a solution for all those other fears too.
love ya, jaime

Melissa said...

I was wondering if I could ask you a favour and to take us off of your side bar list?
We just wanna be more private without going private.