Sunday, January 15, 2012


Today i went to Lehi Singles. I don't really go to singles ever, being that i am old now, and they are all young (relatively speaking). I came in right before they shut the doors for sacrament. I sat on the 2nd to the last row on the right side, right in front of brother Maxwell. I didn't notice right away, but slowly the church-goers around me revealed their sensual sides. First the gap tooth boy and bad-skinned girl, wearing glasses began to embark on hand tapping. What is hand-tapping you ask...well I had never seen it before either. They were holding hands, but then would use their non-held hand to tap on the hands that were holding each other. It was usually in a 3-5 tap rhythm. It was so utterly distracting, that i gave three bad looks, a sigh, and a very dramatic rolling of the eyes. I felt like I was sitting next to the couple of "tapping compulsions".

Next my annoyance was distracted by the nuzzler. There was a man in front of me, who like the couple on my left side had a compulsion, however this took form in the touching his little blond love interest in interesting ways. First he would sort of nuzzle into her shoulder with his face, also there was a little finger play with him doing a little walk about with his fingers on her neck, on her cheek, on the top of her head... i wanted to flick his fingers for being "too adventurous in church". At this point i turned around and said, "Brother Maxwell, we are in the sensual seats, these kids cant stop touching each other". He responded with a nod, and said, "it is rather distracting".

Then there was the backscratch that was indulged in by the gingy boy and the skinny girl, in front of the hand tappers. They began with a playful, yet ever sensual massage, which inspired the hand-tappers to do the same. Only the hand-tapper girl became rather excited and would mix in some whimsical, sporadic tickles, that were dramatic enough to startle me every time.

It was very distracting. And annoying. Karma is a bitch.


Anna M said...

Who is Bro. Maxwell?

My s.i.l. scratched my back the other day, it was crazy relaxing. Made me realize that my husband is a crappy back scratcher--when he ever does it. So, I say to your pew non-friends: there is more than pew love to marriage. And it only gets worse.


Jodiane said...

Bro. Maxwell used to be in the Stake Presidency. He is just a Lehi Stake Icon. Probably about 65, maybe older.
Made me laugh bc he is still so with it. I think i was actually a little jealous bc i had no one to do tradesies with. Gotta put that on the LDS Planet profile